Monday, May 30, 2005
I just received a call from my dad, he said he open the letterbox and saw a NUS letter. He asked me to open it.. I ask him is it small envelope or big? He said its a small envelope. Sigh, a rejection letter.. I can't believe it.. my grades can't make it to the university.. I will try to appeal though the chances are slim. So it did happen afterall..

Saturday, May 28, 2005
Today is a day I almost lost my sanity and control.
Today is suppose to be a very happy day for me. We got a half day off because our perm staff is having a cohesion day in the afternoon. So the trainees got a half day off. However, we've 8 classmates who have guard duty and they've to stay back to wait for their guard duty. Basically, their half day can't be taken for the day and only can be compensated on some other day. Luckily, I didn't 'tio' the regimental guard duty and get to enjoy my half day off with friend(s).

So I made arrangement with Kelly to go for a high tea which I got the complimentary vouchers for it.. I mean since I got it and it expired on 1st of June.. why waste it ya? So I called her and made the outing like 2 days before. Actually, she got to tutor a kid in the evening but she postphoned to saturday, first time that she actually made the effort though *laugh*

Then finally, it is friday today. I remembered very clearly, it was 8am in the morning whereby we just finished changing into our overall(technician suit), getting ready for the lesson in class. Then our unit's wing 2nd I/C came in and broke the news I wasn't prepared for.

He said, 'turret class, I know that today 8 of your classmates have guard duty, so the class is actually separated if the half were to stay back and the others can go for their off. What I suggest is, why not ALL stay back? ALL stay back for the lesson so that SGT Kwa (our class instructor) doesn't have to make so many arrangement to make up the lesson missed. Any objections?'

His tone was so.. stern? At that point of time, I was damn furious.. in fact.. ready to lose my temper almost anytime anybody wants. Who dares to object him at that point of time? We're what? Privates. He is what? 1st Warrant officer. He just left without even giving us time to comment or say anything (as if we dare to). I just kept swearing when he left, I realised that nothing can calm myself down. Friends around me were asking me to chill as they know I already had plans for the half day off. IMO, Kelly already postphoned her tuition to the next day, how could I be the one cancelling the whole outing when I was the one to think of it?

Before I know it, there was a loud bang. I punched my fist against the metal work table that is used for our practical lessons. I punched so hard that my knuckles went blue-black almost immediately. My classmates were pretty much in shock.. they said they never see me so pissed off before.. I didnt know why I did it anyway.. but I just do it.. luckily my class instructor wasn't around. Some of my classmates kept asking me to cool down.. and ask if we can go find him and voice out our.. 'RIGHTS'.

Then my few of my classmates went to find the 2I/C and our OC, mentioning that few of our classmates already have appointments and they can't just take away our off in the last minute notice. They came back with positive news that the 2I/C didn't know that so many were not very pleased with his arrangements, he also expressed his apologies (indirectly I would say). Okay, I moved on with it.. but later realised it was immature of me to lose control because of such a trivial matter. Or is it she's too impt to me(as a friend) that I can't afford to cancel the appointment? *shrugs*

Anyway, we met up, as usual.. she was unwilling to get out of her house.. lazy lo. The high tea we went was cafe vienna.. urm.. I would strongly discourage anyone who wanna give it a try next time you pass by the cafe. The food there was.. common and 'Old Chang Kee'-a-like. Anyway, we ate really little and left. We went to the shaw house and see if there's any movie to catch. Madagascar caught her attention and say she wanna watch.. oh well.. I kinda like it too.. so we quickly went off and purchase the movie tix which will start 15 minutes later. The movie was... hilarious. Though there was a bunch of rowdy + noisy ACJC guys behind us and kids crying all over the cinema.. the movie was very entertaining and funny.. it's been quite a long time since the last time I actually laughed. After the movie, we went window shopping for a while before we took the MRT home.

It was an exciting day isn't it..

Haha, was trying this stuff found in Benjy's blogspot.. quite fun eh? I tried it myself and here's the results for my case =X

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many. The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately. You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss. A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

Thursday, May 26, 2005
Been trying to forget the past.. it wasn't easy... but I am gradually being able to adapt to the new form of lifestyle. Before I can forget completely and move forward with my life.. I found myself a companion.. a source of motivation which I know I can depend on.

Chuhui. She found herself a job as a sale assistant. As I am in a stay-out unit, I can go home everyday after office hours. Henceforth, I will take my free time to go to her shop and wait for her to close the stall. Usually, the shop pack up at about 10.30PM, then I'll accompany her home.. I've been doing this for about a week long.. We simply kept talking about our life.. what we wanna do in the future.. and recalling fond memories we spent together in our B4 clique. So after sending her home, I'll reach home at about 12am.

Luckily, she didnt find me a trouble though.. hee.. I did admit to her that.. actually she's the one accompanying me.. she's the one who helped me to keep myself busy. Not being able to wander my mind off to some things that I don't wish to go into..I guess I'll be doing it over the period that she'll be working until she find me a 'ma fan gui'.. hee.

In addition, I will try to keep myself busy by asking friends out.. keep my weekends really busy that nothing else can occupy my mind. However, I'm running on low cash recently.. so can't really hang out as often.. maybe will go to the gym with Irvine during this weekends.

Monday, May 23, 2005
Hey friends!
I am going to start my first ever blogging on blogspot! Haa.. well actually I do blog before but stopped soon after I got lazy.. Anyway, I am still new to blogging, doesn't really know what to blog about myself.

Anyway, here goes... lots of things have happened in April.. too much for me to cope or to handle as a matter of fact. *shrugs* don't really know how to begin with but as most of my friends know, I've a girlfriend and we've been together for almost 5 years long. To many of my friends, 5 years are alot.. but to me, I never thought so. To me, I thought we will go on together with each other for 5 more years, or 10 more years. At this point of time, Kelly will say, "Stop being so melodramatic!" But I can't help it, so I will go on..

In April, things start to change.. our relationship has begun to slip downslope.. never-ending slope that we can't grip on to anything to pick ourselves up. It seems like a bottomless pit ya? I can't see the end, everything seems to bleak and cold to me.

So one fine day, something really happened. She called me and wanted a break-up.. a truth that I can barely believe or take it. Putting down my pride, I persuaded her, not to break up.. maybe give both of us more time to see if there's really a guided path for us in the future. It took me sometime but she managed to hold back that deadly thought. She say she will try to give herself more time to think about it, and I am glad.

2 weeks later, we met up and I thought oh well.. things did change for the better, we're able to meet up and have a meal or something. I was quite happy too for things gonna change for the better. But it turned out otherwise, as we're travelling home on NEL mrt, she suddenly said that she was actually quite stressed throughout the date even though she was as normal as I thought she was.. I can remember vividly what she told me, "It is quite stressful to be with you sometimes, especially when I've no feelings for you already..." At that point of time, my world crashed; totally. I could hardly stand, much less to breathe for that second. The expression on my face was..blank. I simply stared blankly at anything else but her, she felt very wrong and chidlish for her to say that, she immediately told me sorry and she really doesn't meant it. She told me she had never in her life see me in such an upset state before. But somehow, I know she does mean it, just that I really could not accept the fact. I blamed myself for being so weak.. But those words pain me alot.. alot more than I can tolerate. I didnt break down though I very much wanted to.

I went back home and thought it through, maybe its really time to let go of her.. if she can be happier and free from the guilt and stress that the 5-years long of relationship is torturing her, yes I think I should let it go. It wasn't a impulsive action or thinking..True enough,on the 4th week of April, she told me she wanted a break up and I said okay. She was quite surprised that I didnt fight and persuade her anymore. She did cry.. but we were still friends after we hung up. I really thought I could take the truth and the break-up. But I realised I can't, after reading a archive blog-post in Derrick's blog.

Sunday, August 31, 2003
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It was a tiring day for me today.(Haa almost everyday is tiring for me) Well i woke up at 10 plus to catch X-Men Evolution! HaHa it's a nice show! I never stop enjoying watching it. After that i idle ard the comp to figure out how the damn HTML works haa but still have no clue abt it. It's abt 1plus when i left the hse and head to yck gym with kent.It's kind of becuming our weekly rountine now, going gym every sat. I try to increase the number of times of visit but can't due to the pack weekdays in school.Oh well, so during this only visit per week we really have to push ourselves!(And that's how i always injuried myself haa) After the gym,it's abt 4 already, we headed down to bishan cuz kent need to sell his magic cards to get some cash to buy juan's birthday present. I really pity him sometimes, have to buy some many things for juan but she never seems to appreciate it. Oh well........ So at the bishan mrt we squeeze our way thru the crowd to find buyers for the cards........but maybe it's my hair or kent's shirt, he earn very very little. I met my cousin in the crowd and whoa he grew taller(tink he is abt 186 now, and he is only 17!)He recommend us a shop for kent to sell his cards at amk. So from bishan we travel down back to amk to find that small shop. The shop is kind of flooded with cards player too and is mostly secondary school kids.I look ard while kent approach the owner.....blah blah blah.....kent came to me and say the owner wanna buy rare cards only. Damn the owner. So we got nothing eventually but kent still wanna go taka to get the present for juan.So again we boarded the train and head down town.B4 kent went to search for the present (which is a stone and together with some other stuff makes up a sweet and creative present which is damn bloody ex)i went to bits and pieces to find a nice pair of earring. I bought a pair of silver one, it's not that nice but plain is just nice for me =D. Continue with kent's journey, we went to kinokunia(did i get it rite? haha =X) to find the stone. Ah ha, we found it at some table that's really not prominent.....So dig thru the stack of boxes containing the stones and found a blue topaz that's a size of a tear. It's rather nice since i'm the one who found it haa......it cost abt 30 bucks and it's only for that tiny piece of stone! Oh well kent bought it anyway (Love is blind haa....And Kent is Dumb =x)But wad kent has plan for juan is rather romantic , something i never expect out of him haa...... Well i really do hope juan will like the present otherwise it will really break kent's heart. Oh well after all the searching digging walking train-ing bus-ing , i only reach home at abt 9 and i'm so damn tired.... So after bathing i sat infront the pc again to figure out the template for this blog. After some studying *Wah La!* HaHa......thou it's not really nice , but it's a nice try for a 1st timer! HaHa.........Oh tink i better slp early cuz tml got justice league!haha..
Oh well hope tml's a better day =).
Lights Off! -_-zZ

I am not trying to make myself seems pathetic or wanting some pity from whoever is reading it.. But I just cried after reading the post, maybe I wasnt emotionally sound at that point of time. I just kept crying.. kind of useless ya? Then I thought back the things I've done for her over the years.. which made me feel even worse. I know in a relationship, we do not expect anything from the other party, neither do we ask for anything. If you love someone, I am pretty sure we'll do anything for him or for her. Thats the love I am talking about ya?

Post break-up sucks totally, that applies to everyone out there right? I thought we can remain friends as she wanted. But I know I am wrong.. we can never be friends. I am too naive already. I tried to hate her but I can't bring myself to do it. I am too exhausted and tired to hate her. I will prolly take a very long time to forget her.. I don't know how long.. just very long..

Then came my mother, she had this strange stomach pain every now and then.. it lasted for 3 years plus already. Nothing seems to cure her and nothing seems to be wrong. I thought I was already very troubled. But I was wrong, again. Few days after we had broken up, my mum felt the acute pain that she could barely take it. I wasn't at home but my dad told me to rush home to see if anything happen. As I was rushing home, I saw my mum together with my neighbours.. helping her to the plaza's clinic. I went forward to help to support my mum. She wasn't mentally sound at the point of time. I know the pain is killing her, again. I dont know what to do, luckily, my neighbours are nurses and they were pretty calm and resolute in their actions. The doctor at the clinic was such a... newbie? He said nothing is wrong with my mum and recommended a phychiatrist (dont know how to spell) but I asked for an A&E letter. So off we went to the A&E with my aunt who came later. On the way, my mum was still groaning in pain.. I was totally flustered.. dont know what to do.

And again, the doctor at the A&E wasn't really.. that smart in handling my mum. I requested for a womb scan cause that's the only area that she hasn't been checked up so far. But the doctor said, "the pain is coming from the stomach, a scan on the womb would be a waste of time and money" I was so furious, its our money and our time. What the -toot- do you've to worry for? I insisted but he say its up to the ward doctors to decide after a checkup on my mum. Then my mum did a blood test which I've to wait for an hour for the reports to come out.. this hour was another terrible lifetime. I wasn't suppose to stay by my mum at the observatory ward as the nurse say I might disturb the other patients who're there. So I went in and see her every 10-15min or so. I was quite worried at first for my mum, she kept saying it is painful.. she want to die.. the pain is too much for her to bear.. I kept consoling her, telling her its going to be fine..

At that point of time, I was very upset.. messaged some of friends as I didnt really know what to do. Kelly ask me to pray.. and so I did. Second time I went in, she was resting, closing her eyes. But I started to cry.. as I see that there were teardrops on her eyes.. which were still rolling down her cheeks even though she was closing her eyes and resting.. I felt very sad.. lost.. no one is there for me that I can rely on.. I went out of the ward and.. tears simply keep rolling down from my eyes.. I can't stop the tears from coming out.. I just kept praying for she will be better the next time I go in and see her.

True enough, the third time I went in, she was awake.. she felt better.. she smiled at me when she saw me coming in.. I held back my tears.. I was very relieved.. she asked, "why your nose so red? is it very cold?" she continued smiling.. I nodded my head as I know I will stammer if I talk.. can't possibly tell her I've been crying.
And things really went better, she was required to go for a operation to remove something in lower part of her stomach area which I cant really explained.. she did feel better and so do I.

Month of April, god is playing a fool.. a test.. a challenge for me that I almost failed.. but thanks for everyone who was there for me.. I was very grateful. And hope no more living hell for me, soon.